Don't be reactive,instead respond.
De-escalation is notproblem solving. In a situation that may escalate, you want to de-escalate(decrease the intensity and magnitude of the situation) now and problem solve(think of solutions) at a later date. Your primary concern is safety.
Keeping safety in mind,do not allow yourself to be the barrier between de-escalating a situation. Thishappens when your train of thought goes to these areas:
- I am the authority
- I need to be in control
- Rules are rules
- They need to...
- I must defend myself (verbally)
Things that will escalatea situation:
- saying "calm down"
- saying "you shouldn't/you need to/if you don't, then..."
- getting in another person's space
- refusing to listen
- invalidating feelings
- blaming, shaming, criticizing
- being sarcastic
We may judge things associally inappropriate, but that is also assuming people can self-regulate(telling someone to "calm down"). Keep in mind those with mentalhealth challenges are doing what they can.
You may not get the lastword, but if you get the last action (they stop doing x), you have successfullynavigated an encounter.
Nonverbal Approaches:
- give the person space
- adopt an assertive (not aggressive) posture (open palms, mid-height)
- make eye contact (or mimic level of contact)
- adopt a safe angle (from the side, not directly, allowing both parties to exit freely)
Verbal Approaches:
- Paraphrase (patron's feelings, wants, thoughts) [ex. "You feel frustrated with xyz"]
- Support Statement [ex. "I agree, it can be frustrating…"]
- Validation Statement (Agree the situation is dumb, annoying, stupid...) [ex. "You’re right to feel that way. It must be frustrating to always xyz"]
- Apologize [ex. "I'm really sorry, but...] (the rule is stupid, not the patron)
- Offer to help
- Ask them to do something
You can still set limitswhile de-escalating.
Xif you don't calm down, I'll call the police
O I don't want to have to call the police here,help me work out a better solution.
"Please stepback." (when/if they do, thank them)
"I hate to do thisbut..."
"I have to askyou..."
When someone is reactingwith emotions and instincts, they are not being rational. Beyond enforcing arule or getting someone to understand your policies, safety is most important.Genuinely connecting with empathy will help in most situations. With a strongenough connection, you can turn a negative situation into a positive one.
Example 1:
You approach a patron(from the side) about their use of loud profanity.
You: I’m sorry, but Ihave to ask you to lower your voice and watch your language.
Patron: YOU PEOPLE AREALWAYS COMING AFTER ME!
You: I’m sorry if itfeels that way. It must be very frustrating always being told what to do, butit’s our policy if you want to continue to use the library.
Patron: *grumbles underbreath angrily*
You: Thank you. Pleaselet us know if we can be of any help.
--> although thepatron wasn’t happy to do so, you still got the desired result (they stoppedusing loud profanity)
Example 2:
A patron comes up to youangry and upset.
Patron: These kids areswearing and being loud. I told them to please be respectful of the space andthey called me names. They have no respect. You people don’t do anything.
You: I’m so sorry. Youshould never feel like you have to respond directly. Please know it’s neveryour responsibility to talk to them. Let staff know if there’s a problem and wewill step in. It’s absolutely not acceptable for you to feel unsafe in thisspace.
Patron: I mean, I seethese kids every day and they seem so out of control.
You: I know. And weappreciate you coming to use the library. We do try to talk to the kids andgive them warnings, but we try not to make banning our first course of action.For some of our patrons, they have nowhere else to go and we want to give thema chance to correct their behavior.
Patron: I get that. I’mnot heartless. I’m just frustrated.
You: I understand. Thankyou for letting us know. It’s important that you feel welcome to come here aswell. We’ll try to be more firm with the kids.
Patron: I’m sorry. I knowif they had better role models, it’d be different. Anyway, I just wanted to getthat off my chest.
You: Thank you. I’ll gotalk to the kids now.
Patron: Thank you.
--> This is a reallife example of a patron starting out angry and upset and switching over tocalm and understanding based on the connection made (including an apology andthanks). The kids also heard the exchange and straightened up immediately, butwere also warned that they would be done for the day if they acted up again.
Example 3:
A patron stands veryclose to you in a threatening manner.
You: Sir/Ma’am, I’m goingto ask you to take a step back.
Patron: (steps back) Areyou listening to me??
You: Thank you. I hearwhat you’re saying. I know it’s frustrating. If you’d like, we can sit down andtalk about this.
Patron: (steps forward)No, we can talk about this right now!
You: Please take a step backif you’d like to talk.
Patron: (steps back) Thisis BS.
You: Thank you. Pleasetell me about the issue you’re having.
--> thank people forthe desired actions they take. A reminder that it may not always end happily,but if no one was hurt, the interaction was a success.
Also a reminder, you are not responsible for puttingyourself bodily in harm’s way. You know what is right for you. If you arein danger, do what you can to get yourself out of danger. De-escalating is justone tool you can use, not the only tool.
--Cindy K.@GLCL